A Compassionate Guide to Understanding the Stages of Grief

By Annie Monroe, LMHCA, GC-C, LMT, CLT

Grief is one of the most universal human experiences, often feeling deeply personal and isolating. When we lose someone, we love—or face any profound loss such as illness, a relationship ending, loss of health, identity, or life changes—our emotional terrain can feel unfamiliar and overwhelming.

One framework that has helped many people understand grief is the model developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, commonly known as the Kübler-Ross stages of grief. Introduced in her influential book On Death and Dying, the model describes five emotional responses people may experience when facing loss.

As a grief counselor, I want to emphasize something very important: grief is not linear. These “stages” are not a checklist or a timeline. We may experience some, all, or none of them. We may move back and forth between them. The stages are simply a map to help us understand common emotional responses to loss.

Let’s explore each stage with compassion and clarity.

1. Denial: “This can’t be happening.”

Denial often appears in the earliest moments after loss and serves as an important psychological purpose. It’s a protection mechanism built into the brain to help us from being overwhelmed by the full intensity of the experience. It can feel like shock, numbness, or disbelief. Our minds may struggle to process what has happened. Denials allow the reality of the situation to unfold gradually; in pieces we can manage.

You might notice thoughts such as:

• This must be a mistake.

• I can’t believe they’re really gone.

This stage is not about refusing reality—it is about giving the heart time to absorb it.

2. Anger: “Why did this happen?”

As the reality of loss begins to settle in, feelings of anger may arise. Some people may feel guilty for experiencing anger during grief, and it is often an emotion we tend to suppress. Anger is often an expression of deep pain, heartbreak, and love.

People may feel anger toward:

• Medical professionals

• Family members, themselves, or the person who died

• Spiritual beliefs or a higher power

In counseling, we work together to create a safe space where intense emotions can be expressed honestly without judgment.

3. Bargaining: “If only...”

Bargaining often involves thoughts of “what if” or “if only.” The mind tries to imagine ways the loss might have been prevented. Bargaining is often tied to guilt and the desire to regain control. Loss reminds us how little control we sometimes have, and the mind attempts to rewrite the story to cope with intense feelings and emotions.

Common thoughts include:

• If only I had done something differently.

• If only we had caught the illness earlier.

• If I pray or make changes, maybe things will be okay.

Part of healing in this stage involves gently recognizing and accepting that not everything is within our power.

4. Depression: The weight of the loss

When the reality of loss becomes undeniable, sadness can deepen into what the model describes as depression. This stage reflects the true depth of the loss with a profound sorrow and mourning. It is the heart acknowledging that something meaningful has changed.

People may experience:

• Deep sadness, waves of crying or emotional heaviness

• Fatigue or low energy or difficulty finding motivation

• Withdrawal from others

In grief counseling, we often normalize this experience. Feeling sadness does not mean we are weak—it means we are human and capable of love.

5. Acceptance: Learning to live with the loss

Acceptance does not mean “being okay” with the loss, forgetting or moving on as if nothing happened. This is where we recognize the reality of loss and begin to adapt to our new life. Acceptance is not the end of grief. Waves of sadness may still come, especially on anniversaries, holidays, or unexpected reminders. But there is often more space for hope and connection again.

People in this stage may begin to:

• Re-engage with daily life and create new meaning and purpose

• Find moments of peace

• Remember their loved one with more warmth and compassion than pain

Grief is not something we “get over.” Instead, we learn to carry it in new ways.

An Important Truth About Grief

One of the most common misunderstandings about the Kübler-Ross model is the belief that grief follows a neat sequence of “stages.” In truth, we may revisit stages many times; some stages may overlap; some may never appear. You may experience emotions that arise not listed in the model.

Grief as a Reflection of Love

Grief is not a problem to solve—it is a natural response to love and attachment. The depth of our grief often reflects the depth of our connection. Over time, many people discover that grief evolves. What was once an intense sharp pain, eventually softens, and memories begin to integrate with our new worldview with gratitude and meaning. Healing does not erase loss. Instead, it integrates the loss into our continued life story.

When Support Can Help

Grief can be profoundly lonely, and many people feel pressure to “be strong” or “move on” quickly. Grief often needs time, compassion, and support.

As a grief counselor I can help by:

• Providing a safe place to talk openly

• Normalize complex emotions

• Help process guilt or unresolved feelings and emotions

• Support you while you gradually rebuild

Grief is a journey that no one should have to navigate alone. It would be an honor to help you navigate this tender time with compassion and understanding in a non-judgmental space. Please reach out to schedule an appointment with me today.

A Gentle Closing Thought

If you are grieving right now, please remember this:

Grief is not a burden to be hidden or ashamed of. It is proof that you are a human capable of love. It should be revered and tended to with the utmost tenderness, love, and respect.

Reference

Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. Macmillan. (2019). Grief.com. https://grief.com/